Greetings internet friend,
I’m still reveling in the pure love and productive thought I had during our conversation. I felt really, really clear and like everything was going to be okay. Pretty soon after hanging up I feel like I started to feel a little low and misguided again, like got to my room and went on my phone but then I stopped myself and took off my nail-polish, plugged in my air-pods for my therapy call, and made my to-do list for the day.
I do feel a little bit of relief from writing my to-do list—like it gives me some structure and stuff that I can feel good about accomplishing all of it. I think that would be a good practice for me to get into in the mornings, or even the night before.
In the most dramatic words possible, I just feel kind of lost right now. Does that make sense? Like I get the feeling that things are changing around me but I feel stagnant and I can’t feel comfortable or secure with where I’m at in life and who I am as a person. I have a lot of doubts—about myself, others, my place in the world, the dynamics I have in my relationships.
I so badly want to feel good about myself and what I’m doing. Like I feel perpetually in that state of looking at other people and being like, oh I should be like that. But all the while I’m being blind to what I actually am. I fluctuate between feeling like I am too hard on myself or that I am constantly not doing enough. I want to wake up and feel at peace, and be happy. I want to move through my day with less anxiety, less comparisons, less feelings of that life should be another way than it is.
I just have a lot of period feelings, I feel like that’s a big part of my experience right now. Like everything feels personal, it just feels harder to relate with people, and I kind of feel relatively on the verge of tears if things aren’t perfect. Like when I text with people and it’s even a LITTLE weird, I’m like okay something is terribly wrong. Like I know that when I get my period that I’m going to feel a lot of emotional relief. Like I know that. But it’s not comforting me at all. I wish that because I know this is only temporary that I could be really gentle with myself through these days that feel harder.
I think to an extent that I’m just uncomfortable with my experience right now and I don’t like feeling bad, so I really overthink it because I want to fix it so badly. I’m going to try to transition into a place where I’m just like okay maybe I don’t have to fix it, or feel better—I can be stuck and kind of low-grade sad and moody. I can just feel this way and trust eventually it will change. Honestly, that might make it change much faster than me trying to force it.
I feel really good about all our ideas earlier, I think I’m going to try to enact those with a little less pressure. For example, one thing on my list is to unpack my overnight bag and tidy up my room and bathroom. I’m going to do those things after my tutoring session with Joey to really set myself up for success to have a cozy self care night tonight—you know what I mean?
For now, I’m going to sign off and go pack a little bit of lunch for the park and have my therapy appointment. Then going to go directly into my session with Joey when I get home. I think it will feel good to knock both those things out and then have my evening open to do my more fun-ish activities (like painting my nails).
This was less poetic and organized than I would have liked it to be, but ya know we gotta start somewhere. This is just the beginning!!!!!